Greetings, I come in peace.

I've been getting out of my own head lately; pondering what it might mean and look like to be there for the people I care about. Because if I'm honest I haven't been there for mostly anyone over the past 3 years.

Depression is an incredibly preoccupying thing. I find an odd glory in the darkness of my thoughts that only blackens them further, weaves the gloom tighter, soft as silk, it almost becomes a pleasure to wear. In all that there is to care about in the world, I only care for myself, and I only care to hate myself. Just the worst kind of selfishness. However, in recent months I have had an abnormal streak of lighter days with only a few heavy ones scattered about. While I have my speculations of why this has come about, they are not for this post. But in the thinning of all thoughts directed towards myself, my eyes have rolled from the back of my head, and finally pointed outward. I have begun to notice those around me.

It's an alien experience to see you all moving and living.

So I wonder what it means to be there for people. While I'm sure there have been some people there for me as I've drifted about in my head space, I was far too transfixed staring into the utter depths of whatever my human soul might be to notice them. In all that staring I haven't come up with anything useful. Neither for me or anyone else. Seeing people drift about in their own head spaces, in their sorrow or joy, pain and doubt, I wish I could be there for them. I wish I knew how to connect. I wish I knew the right things to say, and if there is nothing to say, then the right things to do, or the right person to be.

I suppose it could be just another form of selfishness, worrying too much about all the ways I cannot be there for people instead of just forgetting myself for a few moments and being there for someone. I am new at this, so maybe it's a thing you can learn and develop over time. I hope so, because I certainly wasn't born with any credible skills in empathy or sympathy.

Sorry for being a mediocre friend, everyone. I'm working on it.

Gabriel