Swirl Cone

This is a picture of my brain.

It looks pleasant enough, but that swirl cone is actually a torrent of chocolate-y self hate and sweet vanilla self pity on a cheap cone of sarcasm that tastes like nothing. And I suppose for the purposes of fully utilizing the picture, we'll say the red backround is my murderous rage or insatiable hunger for enchiladas.

I think on the outside I'm a pretty indifferent human being(and on the inside just a bit... maybe that's what the cone is made of... indifference). I do my best to avoid confrontation and drama. I seem to emit 2 emotions, one sounds like laughter and comes from feelings of delight, and the other is a quiet brooding that makes me look super thoughtful. Otherwise I'm a robot. But on the inside is this hilarious soap opera of enormous emotional anxiety where I'm surely always the victim. I exaggerate my struggles and circumstances greatly in my brain, and sometimes in conversation with those unlucky humans who are close to me.

I doubt I'm the only person who does this, but my swirl cone brain combats these thoughts of victimization(v for vanilla) with things like "Hey idiot, stop feeling bad for yourself, there are so many people with worse problems than you!". Vanilla then responds with things like "Gah! You're right, I AM an idiot! Woe is me and my general state of being!".  Then an extra fun level of irony(maybe rainbow sprinkles?) sets on where I pity my problems of self pity and self hate and write an absurd blog about it. None of it makes any sense and it makes a huge mess. But at least it tastes like ice cream.

I don't really have a takeaway for this. I've never been a swirl cone guy in reality. Simplicity tastes better to me.  Maybe whatever dispenses my soul/brain/heart ice cream will break from overuse and only spew out one flavor, and then I can deal with that head on. That sounds an awful lot like hitting rock bottom and I don't know what that looks like for me. Which is terrifying, but apparently good things can happen afterwards.

Or maybe someone could spill a bunch of strawberry flavoring into my dispensary and something totally new and awesome could come out. Red like the blood of Christ. BOOM. I'm so clever. The cone is for cleverness.

But the ice cream dispenser seems to be sealed shut and running at unprecedented levels, and self glorified sarcastic cleverness just makes you look like an ass.

Till next time
Vomit Swirl Cone Gabriel

Vomit Gabriel

Hey! Have we met? I'm Gabriel.

I grew up as a christian, which basically means nothing other than I have a slightly heightened level of paranoia and a fair amount to ponder with my delightfully over analytical brain. Oh the times we've had together!

Quick note before I move on, Doubting Thomas by Nickel Creek just came on. Whatever THAT means.

I don't believe in God about 50% of the time. And this isn't a thing to try and prove or disprove His existence, cause frankly that bores me. But I still have the mind to capitalize the "h" in "His", so I'm not a total heathen just yet. Who knows what would happen if I didn't use the due punctuation there?

My main issue with this... issue... is that I'm sitting at that 50% mark. I almost don't care whether I'm right or wrong. I'd just like to commit to one side fully, cause the middle ground is exhausting. Nobody likes dudes in the middle ground. I sure don't. Jesus doesn't seem to. Revelation 3:16 "So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I am going to vomit you out of My mouth."

Let me just say that I truly love that my translation says "vomit". I always heard "spit" growing up, this gives it an extra smack(ew) of intensity. I think logically the easier thing for me to do is to just go the opposite way of religion or spirituality or whatever. Turns out that's kind of tricky, because I totally tried that this past winter. I disintegrate into an even lamer version of myself that seems even more lukewarm rather than "hot". Or "cold". Or whatever "not christian" is on the temperature scale.

I think if I ever came to a point where I actually decided to renounce everything I believe, I would just settle in for a long nap til the robocalypse briefly awakens then ends me. What else would I do? Go on a sex rampage? Burn something down? Cure cancer with my finally liberated brain? Fight... crime for the sake of... science? I'm not hot or cold enough for those things. Really worse things could happen if God isn't real. We die and that's it. I can handle that. It's the living up until that point that I have trouble grappling with. In my mind, everything would in the long run be totally pointless. And because I am the absurd human that I am, I would probably end up taking that leave to be a total asshole for the rest of my life.

So what I can say about being a Christian on the flip side of its hefty frustrations, is that I know what I am when I'm not trying to pursue faith. I'm even more lazy, disloyal, dishonest, depressed and unfathomably apathetic. I'm still not sure what I am in Jesus, because I never seem to be able to connect at the level I observe my brothers and sisters connecting. So far it seems I'm at least a more tolerable version of myself, which is probably better for those around me. And I have the need to be better to those around me when I'm the tolerable version of myself, because I sort of feel like there's a point to it all. God or Whatever. So for now, that's where I'm at.

All the sinceres,
(Vomit)Gabriel